| Swiss therapist and author Alice Miller does not
mince words: "Any person who abuses his children has himself
been severely traumatized in his childhood... there is no reason
for child abuse other than the repression of the abuse and
confusion once suffered by the abuser himself."1
How, then, does an abused child overcome painful experiences
enough to give his own children more love than he himself was
given? Are such children, as they reach adulthood, doomed to
repeat an endless cycle of anger, abuse, and retaliation? Or are
there ways to stop the cycle, and learn more empathic, responsive
ways of treating children?
While every hurtful parent was himself hurt in childhood,
repetition of this pattern is not inevitable: some abused children
grow up determined to give their own children the childhood they
missed. My father, who was sometimes beaten, and sometimes
belittled, by his father, expressed it as the desire "to give
my children a better life than I had." But the apparent
simplicity of this statement is an illusion. It actually
encompasses two complex steps: first, the parent must gain an
awareness that he or she did indeed experience abuse in childhood.
This is the most difficult step, because abusive experiences of
childhood are so painful that we suppress them; they may thus
become unavailable to us even when we feel ready to confront our
emotional limitations. As Dr. Miller explains, "Many people
can scarcely remember the torments of their childhood because they
have learned to regard them as a justified punishment for their
own 'badness' and also because a child must repress painful events
in order to survive." However, it is not inevitable that
every abused child become an abuser himself, "if, during
childhood, he had the chance - be it only once - to encounter
someone who offered him something other than pedagogy and cruelty:
a teacher, an aunt, a neighbor, a sister, a brother. It is only
through the experience of being loved and cherished that the child
can ever discern cruelty as such, be aware of it, and resist
it."
Awareness is not enough, though, to stop the cycle of abuse.
The second step toward this goal is that the parent must learn new
ways of relating to children, ways that she may have seldom, or
never, witnessed as a child herself. How can such a parent learn
to treat her own children with dignity and respect?
Dr. Elliott Barker, Director of the Canadian Society for the
Prevention of Child Abuse, recommends four critical steps which
all prospective parents can take to raise emotionally healthy
children, "no matter how inadequate their own past experience
of nurturing has been":2
- A positive birthing experience. As Dr. Barker explains,
"If both parents are present at the birth, and there is a
positive birthing experience, the mother and father are very
likely to fall in love with their baby ... the hard work of
looking after their child feels much less like hard work;
they're obsessed with how wonderful their baby is."
- Extended breastfeeding. "Breastfeeding until the child
no longer requires it is another of those things a mother can
do which will cause other good things to happen... as if by
magic. Breastfeeding keeps you in love with your child.
Extended breastfeeding can help the mother-infant attachment
survive rough times which might otherwise lead to emotional
unavailability and detachment."
- Minimal separations and consistency of caregivers. According
to pediatrician William Sears, only the parent "is
perfectly attuned to the child's needs. Being away from him
during stressful times deprives him of his most valuable
support and also deprives you of a chance to further cement
your friendship... Babies learn to accept unfulfilled needs,
but at the cost of lowered self-esteem and the capacity to
trust."3
- Careful spacing of children. According to Dr. Barker,
"it requires an enormous amount of time and energy on the
part of both parents to adequately nurture one child under the
age of three. Spacing children is one important thing that
parents can do to prevent the exhaustion that occurs when
well-intentioned parents take on the very difficult task of
trying to meet the emotional needs of closely spaced
children."
These four steps have a profound effect on the entire family.
Not only do they establish the capacity to love and trust within
the child, they also help the parents to heal from the pain of
their own childhood. By establishing a close bond of love and
trust between parent and child, these steps can halt the cycle of
abuse in one generation. Dr. Miller assures us that "It is
absolutely impossible for someone who has grown up in an
environment of honesty, respect, and affection ever to feel driven
to torment a weaker person...He has learned very early on that it
is right and proper to provide the small, helpless creature with
protection and guidance; this knowledge, stored at that early
stage in his mind and body, will remain effective for the rest of
his life." Such a child will grow up with a profound
conviction that it is wrong to hurt another human being.
Unfortunately, many new parents are unaware of these four
critical steps. Abusive parents, who have themselves never
experienced unconditional love and trust, may find it difficult to
learn new ways of relating to their children. What can be done for
these families? Dr. Miller believes that changes in legislation
can force parents to "come to terms with their past"
when "the child is no longer available as a legal
scapegoat." In Scandinavia, there are laws prohibiting child
abuse - not only physical and sexual assault, but also spanking
and bullying. These laws do not carry penalties; they are intended
to raise public awareness of the legitimate needs and rights of
children. Will such legislation be effective, when all else has
failed? Dr. Miller believes that "every human being caught in
a trap will search for a way out. And at heart he is glad and
grateful if he is shown a way out that does not lead to guilt or
to the destruction of his own children... In most cases, parents
are not monsters - they are desperate children who must first
learn to see reality and become aware of their
responsibility."
Through the loving treatment of children by those who interact
with families, educational programs that emphasize the four steps
of empathic parenting, and new legislation, the relentless cycle
of abuse can be stopped. Fortunately, the capacity to love and
trust, once established within a child, can transfer down through
the generations as readily as can mistrust and cruelty. Dr. Miller
assures us that "It is quite simply not true that human
beings must continue compulsively to injure their children...
Injuries can heal and need not be passed on, provided they are not
ignored. It is perfectly possible... to be open to the messages
from our children that can help us never again to destroy life but
rather to protect it and allow it to blossom."
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