| |
The Importance of Empathic
Parenting
By Jan Hunt, M.Sc.
Swiss therapist and author Alice Miller does not
mince words: "Any person who abuses his children has himself been
severely traumatized in his childhood... there is no reason for child
abuse other than the repression of the abuse and confusion once suffered
by the abuser himself."1
How, then, does an abused child overcome painful experiences enough to
give his own children more love than he himself was given? Are such
children, as they reach adulthood, doomed to repeat an endless cycle of
anger, abuse, and retaliation? Or are there ways to stop the cycle, and
learn more empathic, responsive ways of treating children?
While every hurtful parent was himself hurt in
childhood, repetition of this pattern is not inevitable: some abused
children grow up determined to give their own children the childhood
they missed. My father, who was sometimes beaten, and sometimes
belittled, by his father, expressed it as the desire "to give my
children a better life than I had." But the apparent simplicity of
this statement is an illusion. It actually encompasses two complex
steps: first, the parent must gain an awareness that he or she did
indeed experience abuse in childhood. This is the most difficult step,
because abusive experiences of childhood are so painful that we suppress
them; they may thus become unavailable to us even when we feel ready to
confront our emotional limitations. As Dr. Miller explains, "Many
people can scarcely remember the torments of their childhood because
they have learned to regard them as a justified punishment for their own
'badness' and also because a child must repress painful events in order
to survive." However, it is not inevitable that every abused child
become an abuser himself, "if, during childhood, he had the chance
- be it only once - to encounter someone who offered him something other
than pedagogy and cruelty: a teacher, an aunt, a neighbor, a sister, a
brother. It is only through the experience of being loved and cherished
that the child can ever discern cruelty as such, be aware of it, and
resist it."
Awareness is not enough, though, to stop the cycle
of abuse. The second step toward this goal is that the parent must learn
new ways of relating to children, ways that she may have seldom, or
never, witnessed as a child herself. How can such a parent learn to
treat her own children with dignity and respect?
Dr. Elliott Barker, Director of the Canadian
Society for the Prevention of Child Abuse, recommends four critical
steps which all prospective parents can take to raise emotionally
healthy children, "no matter how inadequate their own past
experience of nurturing has been":2
1. A positive birthing experience. As Dr. Barker
explains, "If both parents are present at the birth, and there is a
positive birthing experience, the mother and father are very likely to
fall in love with their baby ... the hard work of looking after their
child feels much less like hard work; they're obsessed with how
wonderful their baby is."
2. Extended breastfeeding. "Breastfeeding
until the child no longer requires it is another of those things a
mother can do which will cause other good things to happen... as if by
magic. Breastfeeding keeps you in love with your child. Extended
breastfeeding can help the mother-infant attachment survive rough times
which might otherwise lead to emotional unavailability and
detachment."
3. Minimal separations and consistency of
caregivers. According to pediatrician William Sears, only the parent
"is perfectly attuned to the child's needs. Being away from him
during stressful times deprives him of his most valuable support and
also deprives you of a chance to further cement your friendship...
Babies learn to accept unfulfilled needs, but at the cost of lowered
self-esteem and the capacity to trust."3
4. Careful spacing of children. According to Dr.
Barker, "it requires an enormous amount of time and energy on the
part of both parents to adequately nurture one child under the age of
three. Spacing children is one important thing that parents can do to
prevent the exhaustion that occurs when well-intentioned parents take on
the very difficult task of trying to meet the emotional needs of closely
spaced children."
These four steps have a profound effect on the
entire family. Not only do they establish the capacity to love and trust
within the child, they also help the parents to heal from the pain of
their own childhood. By establishing a close bond of love and trust
between parent and child, these steps can halt the cycle of abuse in one
generation. Dr. Miller assures us that "It is absolutely impossible
for someone who has grown up in an environment of honesty, respect, and
affection ever to feel driven to torment a weaker person...He has
learned very early on that it is right and proper to provide the small,
helpless creature with protection and guidance; this knowledge, stored
at that early stage in his mind and body, will remain effective for the
rest of his life." Such a child will grow up with a profound
conviction that it is wrong to hurt another human being.
Unfortunately, many new parents are unaware of
these four critical steps. Abusive parents, who have themselves never
experienced unconditional love and trust, may find it difficult to learn
new ways of relating to their children. What can be done for these
families? Dr. Miller believes that changes in legislation can force
parents to "come to terms with their past" when "the
child is no longer available as a legal scapegoat." In Scandinavia,
there are laws prohibiting child abuse - not only physical and sexual
assault, but also spanking and bullying. These laws do not carry
penalties; they are intended to raise public awareness of the legitimate
needs and rights of children. Will such legislation be effective, when
all else has failed? Dr. Miller believes that "every human being
caught in a trap will search for a way out. And at heart he is glad and
grateful if he is shown a way out that does not lead to guilt or to the
destruction of his own children... In most cases, parents are not
monsters - they are desperate children who must first learn to see
reality and become aware of their responsibility."
Through the loving treatment of children by those
who interact with families, educational programs that emphasize the four
steps of empathic parenting, and new legislation, the relentless cycle
of abuse can be stopped. Fortunately, the capacity to love and trust,
once established within a child, can transfer down through the
generations as readily as can mistrust and cruelty. Dr. Miller assures
us that "It is quite simply not true that human beings must
continue compulsively to injure their children... Injuries can heal and
need not be passed on, provided they are not ignored. It is perfectly
possible... to be open to the messages from our children that can help
us never again to destroy life but rather to protect it and allow it to
blossom."
1 Miller, Alice. Banished
Knowledge: Facing Childhood Injuries
. New York: Anchor Press, new
edition, 1997.
2. Barker, Elliott. Film Guide to CSPCC Videotape "When You
Can't Feel No Love", 1991.
3. Sears, William, M.D. Creative
Parenting: How to Use the Attachment Parenting Concept to Raise Children
Successfully from Birth Through Adolescence. Montreal: Optimum
Publishing International, 1987.
Portuguese
translation |
