|A New Way of Seeing Children
by Jan Hunt
|It was ten o'clock at night. Little Aaron, about five, was ahead of me in a long line of people
waiting to look through the telescope at the Nature Center. His mother, I was happy to see, was holding him and
laughing with him about something he'd just said. But soon Aaron became restless, as children will when they have
spent a late hour waiting in a long line, and was being warned to keep quiet.
|At the first signs of impatience, his mother spoke kindly: "The telescope won't go away. You'll get a
chance to look through it." However, she neglected to validate his feelings. She didn't say: "It's so
hard to wait for something you've looked forward to for so long." Aaron began to play with his mother's nose,
twisting it this way and that, while making a sort of whooshing, humming noise like a UFO hovering over us. As the
nose attacks and sound effects continued, his mother struggled to free herself and to quiet her son. She tried
reasoning with him: "For a child who loves space as much as you do, you'd think you could be more patient to
get to the telescope!" Reasoning didn't work, and as is often the case with children, it just made matters
worse. Aaron screamed, "I hate the stars! I want to go!" His mother became annoyed with him, and began
to react with anger: "Stop that, Aaron!" And soon: "Stop that, right now!" and finally:
"Do you want to have any fun tomorrow?!" That took Aaron over the edge. He started crying hard, and they
left for home. A child who loved space lost a chance to have a good look at it.
|A child's rambunctiousness in public embarrasses parents, because our society expects children to
remain silent and to behave as though they are mature adults - a most unrealistic and uncaring expectation.
Expecting the impossible can of course only lead to disappointment and frustration for both parents and children.
Just like adults, children feel most cooperative when treated with kindness, understanding, and faith in their
inherent good intentions. No adult feels cooperative when treated in a threatening, angry way by a spouse,
employer, or friend. In fact, we feel hurt and resentful when treated that way, and far from cooperating, we often
resist or retaliate. Why then do we expect children to respond with good behavior when treated with anger,
threats, or punishment?
The deepest mystery of parenting is that we often miss the truth about children's behavior, and yet it is so
simple. Children are human beings just as we are, and behave in accordance to how they are treated, just as we do.
We seldom stop to consider that this is simply an inexperienced human being with real feelings, who is doing the
best he can do, given all the circumstances of his life up to that moment. For how could he do any more? And why
would he do any less?
Everything a child does makes sense if we look at things from his point of view; there is a valid reason for
everything a child does. Aaron was understandably excited about this adventure, and if his excitement had been
more fully accepted and validated, would surely have found the long wait less stressful.
||As a child advocate, what could I have said to Aaron's mother? I might have validated Aaron's feelings and
offered a solution to his mother. To Aaron, I might have said, "It's so hard to wait when you're looking
forward to something!" To his mother, I could have said "You know, airlines have the right idea; they
always board children first. Why don't I ask if you could go to the head of the line?" I could have offered
help: "It's so hard for children to wait in long lines. If you'd like to take him for a walk, I'll be glad to
hold your place." Or I might simply have encouraged her: "It's so hard for a child to be quiet and
patient at the end of a long day, waiting to do something exciting. I think he's doing really well!" I could
have said any of these things, if only I had thought of them at the time. There is such a taboo against
intervening in one another's parenting that we often overlook ways in which we can be helpful.
|Children deserve our best efforts to give them love and understanding at all times, even when -
especially when - they are not behaving as we would wish. If we can show them compassion and understanding at
those times, we can teach them by example some of the most essential ingredients of a happy life: the capacity to
love others unconditionally, the willingness to offer help and express empathy at all times, and not just at those
times when others are making life easy for us. If we can teach this to our children, we have given our child a
priceless gift, one that will continue through the generations.
As Rick Lahrson, Director of the Portland, Oregon Kids Project, once wrote, "Misbehavior in children is an
attempt to communicate, when all else has failed. Children have a drive to love other people and to be a
contribution to the people around them. It is time for all children to be recognized as the magnificent people
they are, and accorded the dignity and respect that is due every human being. We must establish a new way of
Jan Hunt, M.Sc., offers counseling by email worldwide, with a focus on parenting and
unschooling. She is the Director of The Natural Child Project and author of
The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart and A Gift
|More articles by Jan Hunt