|A child's right to receive attention
One of the most commonly heard parental laments is about how children try to get
attention. So many behaviors that adults don't like are brushed off as
"merely" attention-seeking devices. "Don't worry about him," we
say, "he is just doing it to get attention."
When children use oblique ways to get attention, such as causing a ruckus,
exaggerating or feigning their hurts, picking on other children, showing off, being
coquettish - they risk being ignored or put down, as nearby adults roll their eyes in
exasperation. Sometimes, this also happens to children even when they directly and
openly call for the attention they crave. Instead of scorning the child, why don't we
ask these questions: When a child is being manipulative, instead of direct, how did he
learn to do this? How did he come to feel that he shouldn't openly ask for a hug, an
answer to his question, sympathy or just to be noticed or played with?
|All children begin their lives with complete frankness about their
needs. Babies and toddlers reveal their longings with no compunction: what you see is
what you get. If a child reaches out for attention and for warmth and she gets it, her
ability to be open and directly assertive is reinforced. By begrudging our children's
healthy attention-seeking behaviors, we unwittingly train them to be indirect. We
leave them little room for much else, so they go for the attention they need and
deserve through the back door.
|Our society tends to consider children's needs for
attention as a bother. No wonder children become indirect attention seekers, some even
going to great lengths to fall ill or get injured in order to be noticed. Children who
have too often been denied attention can become insatiable, as if no amount of
limelight ever fills their cup. Attention is life-giving, a basic need and a human
right. Children deserve all the attention they want.
When you wholeheartedly give a child the attention she asks for from the beginning,
she soon has her fill. This is precisely what helps her to become more autonomous. As
she grows, she asks for less of your attention (research shows that well-attached
babies grow into children who are more independent), and when she does want attention,
she asks directly, boldly and clearly.
Punished for feeling
Time and time again children are heavily reprimanded for committing the offence of
crying or being angry. Let's get this straight: emotions are not bad behavior.
Emotions don't hurt anyone. Suppressing children's emotions does, on the other hand,
cause them harm: over time, if done repeatedly, it unbalances their brain chemistry,
it stresses their immune and digestive systems, and it undermines their ability to
relate to others.
|Emotional censorship starts early. One of the most common things we say
to a crying baby is "Shhh!" We say it soothingly, but why exactly do we
shush them? Think of all the lullabies that start by telling our little babies to
"hush", and "don't you cry". Have you ever paused to wonder why,
in trying to comfort our babies, we ask them to be quiet? It seems as if the first
thing we want is for the crying to stop - instead of connecting with our baby until
the reason for crying has gone.
|Instead of berating your child for feeling her feelings,
give her the space to feel, and comfort and support her if she needs it. Sometimes
when our children cry, sob or yell in anger we feel overwhelmed, irritated or
burdened. Our children don't deserve the blame for this. When our child's emotions
press our buttons, we need to own the problem. We need to somehow honor our own need
for support or rest without making our children responsible.
What does listening mean?
|The listening I am talking about here is not just about receiving and storing
information, not just about remembering what your child said. I am talking about
listening with your heart, not just with your ears. Real listening is all about
feelings. All you need to be a good listener is a genuine interest in your child's
emotional world. When you truly want to hear, no special skill is needed. Your child
senses your interest in the tone of your voice, in your body language and the look in
your eyes. You know you have listened when you feel moved. You might feel compassion,
protectiveness, you might feel some pain about your child's hurts, pride or excitement
about his achievements, or joy to meet his joy. Listening means letting yourself feel
touched somehow, and being aware of the feelings that move through you.
|What listening is not
Sometimes listening comes easy. You find yourself intently listening in stillness,
without even having decided to, and there is a wonderful and natural flow between you
and your child. But sometimes listening can be hard. Our children's emotions spark off
our own, and in discomfort we turn away, or we try to talk them out of their feelings.
Whether it's because we cannot bear to see our children in pain or because they are
freely feeling something that we were never allowed to express - anger, joy, sadness,
fear, passion - we block them out, we nip the connection in the bud.
|I remember the embarrassment many of us felt as students of counseling psychology as
we awkwardly practiced our listening skills together in the classroom, how often we
appeared to be listening, while inside we were miles away, disengaged from the person
speaking to us. It was often funny, and always quite confronting, to ask ourselves and
each other: Are you listening right now, or just nodding your head a lot while you
wait for your turn to speak? Are you actually listening, or sitting in judgment? Are
you really listening, or just taking mental notes and storing facts? Are you
listening, or just thinking about how you can change me?
|How often we tell ourselves we are listening intently when
in fact our minds are wandering elsewhere. It is unlikely that consistently good
listeners exist. For most of us, good listening is a skill that comes and goes with
our fluctuating moods. All counselors, psychologists and anyone in the helping
professions are imperfect (and sometimes lousy) listeners, and we should be honing our
listening capacity for the rest of our lives. It is humbling to note that anyone can
be a profoundly good listener without any training whatsoever, since all it takes is
an open heart and an interest in the other person.
|It's a fact of human relationships that our capacity for listening is elusive; we
lose it, we regain it, we lose it again. Sometimes it is hard to see whether we are
listening so that our children really feel heard. We kid ourselves. We think we are
listening when really we are avoiding contact - and then we are bewildered by and
surprised at our child's frustration. It can be very useful to get a clear picture of
what is listening and what is not. When our own fears, our shame, our jealousies or
our emotional exhaustion get in the way, we tend to play some pretty clever games to
deflect our children's communications so that their feelings won't touch us. One of
the biggest reasons we avoid listening is because our children's disappointments make
us feel guilty. Our evasive tactics are called "empathy blockers". Empathy
blockers save us the trouble of listening, but they cost us our connection with each
|Sometimes we use empathy blockers inadvertently because we
are anxiously trying to save our children from emotional pain. Ironically, the
greatest salve for our children comes from being heard, not from us trying to change
how they feel. For all of these reasons, we all use empathy blockers from time to
time, quite automatically and unconsciously. You could say we are all quite skilled at
blocking. Here are some of the most common examples used when children become
Oh, don't cry. I'm sure it's not that bad! It's not the end of the world.
There is nothing wrong; nothing for you to be upset about. Everything is
Don't cry. Can't you see that the other child didn't mean to hurt you?
The positive spin
Look on the bright side. Can't you see, this probably happened for a good
Don't worry. Here, let me tell you something funny I heard the other day.
Here, have an ice cream. That'll cheer you up.
Why don't you try doing this, or that? I think you should just ignore that
You should have known better. Get over it. Don't let it get to you.
Don't be silly. Don't be ridiculous.
You are being over-sensitive.
Hey, have a look at the pretty puppet.
Stealing the thunder
Now you know how I felt when the same thing happened to me.
As you can see, on the surface most empathy blockers are not malicious, they are not
ostensibly attempts to shame the child, and sometimes they can even be well
intentioned, but they do not help the child to feel heard and connected to you. It
might seem surprising, even bewildering, to hear that when you try to cheer up a child
who is upset, this can often backfire - she might even feel more distressed, even
angry. This is because she feels that her feelings are not accepted when what she
actually needs is support for feeling the way she does. If this is hard to understand,
then think of the last time you felt deeply upset, offended or anxious and someone
told you to lighten up. How did that make you feel? Empathy blockers leave anyone on
the receiving end feeling shut out and frustrated, and as if there must be something
wrong with them for feeling the way they do.
|Take a few moments to check this out for yourself. Have you ever heard
yourself use one, a few or perhaps even all of the above empathy blockers with your
child? How did your child respond? Can you imagine what you could have done instead?
Now, in case you're tempted to become self-critical, remember: we all put up barriers
to listening from time to time. Those of us who teach others about empathy blockers
know them too well because we've used them so much ourselves.
|By the way, not all of the responses in the table above are
always inappropriate. There sometimes is a place for advice or a helpful opinion, but
unless we take the time to hear our children's feelings first, advice comes too soon
and it alienates our child from us. Before jumping in with advice, we need to ask our
children if they want it. The most important thing for us to get is that primarily,
our children just want to be heard. First and foremost they want evidence that they
are not alone, that someone sees how they feel and cares about them. This makes more
of a difference than all the advice in the world.
|Empathy blockers really muddy the connection between parents and
children; they create detachment and distance, and they frustrate children's attempts
to reach out. The more we use empathy blockers, the less our children are inclined to
come to us with their feelings, the less they want to tell us about their lives and
the less they want to listen to us. When we are concerned that our children don't
listen to us, perhaps we need to take an honest look at how well we have listened to
|It is sad when blocked empathy diminishes our sense of
closeness with each other, and particularly worrisome when our children feel lost or
in some kind of trouble but don't turn to us for help. Our children's trust in us is a
function of how safe they feel to open up to us without feeling manipulated, expected
of, judged, put down or criticized. Listening is at the heart of connection, and if we
can't listen well, we cease to be an influence in our children's lives.