| A child's right to receive attention
One of the most commonly heard parental laments is about how
children try to get attention. So many behaviors that adults don't
like are brushed off as "merely" attention-seeking
devices. "Don't worry about him," we say, "he is
just doing it to get attention."
When children use oblique ways to get attention, such as
causing a ruckus, exaggerating or feigning their hurts, picking on
other children, showing off, being coquettish - they risk being
ignored or put down, as nearby adults roll their eyes in
exasperation. Sometimes, this also happens to children even when
they directly and openly call for the attention they crave.
Instead of scorning the child, why don't we ask these questions:
When a child is being manipulative, instead of direct, how did he
learn to do this? How did he come to feel that he shouldn't openly
ask for a hug, an answer to his question, sympathy or just to be
noticed or played with? |
| All children begin their lives with complete
frankness about their needs. Babies and toddlers reveal their
longings with no compunction: what you see is what you get. If a
child reaches out for attention and for warmth and she gets it,
her ability to be open and directly assertive is reinforced. By
begrudging our children's healthy attention-seeking behaviors, we
unwittingly train them to be indirect. We leave them little room
for much else, so they go for the attention they need and deserve
through the back door. |
| Our society tends to consider
children's needs for attention as a bother. No wonder children
become indirect attention seekers, some even going to great
lengths to fall ill or get injured in order to be noticed.
Children who have too often been denied attention can become
insatiable, as if no amount of limelight ever fills their cup.
Attention is life-giving, a basic need and a human right. Children
deserve all the attention they want.
When you wholeheartedly give a child the attention she asks for
from the beginning, she soon has her fill. This is precisely what
helps her to become more autonomous. As she grows, she asks for
less of your attention (research shows that well-attached babies
grow into children who are more independent), and when she does
want attention, she asks directly, boldly and clearly.
Punished for feeling
Time and time again children are heavily reprimanded for
committing the offence of crying or being angry. Let's get this
straight: emotions are not bad behavior. Emotions don't hurt
anyone. Suppressing children's emotions does, on the other hand,
cause them harm: over time, if done repeatedly, it unbalances
their brain chemistry, it stresses their immune and digestive
systems, and it undermines their ability to relate to others. |
| Emotional censorship starts early. One of the most
common things we say to a crying baby is "Shhh!" We say
it soothingly, but why exactly do we shush them? Think of all the
lullabies that start by telling our little babies to
"hush", and "don't you cry". Have you ever
paused to wonder why, in trying to comfort our babies, we ask them
to be quiet? It seems as if the first thing we want is for the
crying to stop - instead of connecting with our baby until the
reason for crying has gone. |
| Instead of berating your child for
feeling her feelings, give her the space to feel, and comfort and
support her if she needs it. Sometimes when our children cry, sob
or yell in anger we feel overwhelmed, irritated or burdened. Our
children don't deserve the blame for this. When our child's
emotions press our buttons, we need to own the problem. We need to
somehow honor our own need for support or rest without making our
children responsible.
What does listening mean? |
| The listening I am talking about here is not just about
receiving and storing information, not just about remembering what
your child said. I am talking about listening with your heart, not
just with your ears. Real listening is all about feelings. All you
need to be a good listener is a genuine interest in your child's
emotional world. When you truly want to hear, no special skill is
needed. Your child senses your interest in the tone of your voice,
in your body language and the look in your eyes. You know you have
listened when you feel moved. You might feel compassion,
protectiveness, you might feel some pain about your child's hurts,
pride or excitement about his achievements, or joy to meet his
joy. Listening means letting yourself feel touched somehow, and
being aware of the feelings that move through you. |
|
| What listening is not
Sometimes listening comes easy. You find yourself intently
listening in stillness, without even having decided to, and there
is a wonderful and natural flow between you and your child. But
sometimes listening can be hard. Our children's emotions spark off
our own, and in discomfort we turn away, or we try to talk them
out of their feelings. Whether it's because we cannot bear to see
our children in pain or because they are freely feeling something
that we were never allowed to express - anger, joy, sadness, fear,
passion - we block them out, we nip the connection in the bud. |
| I remember the embarrassment many of us felt as students of
counseling psychology as we awkwardly practiced our listening
skills together in the classroom, how often we appeared to be
listening, while inside we were miles away, disengaged from the
person speaking to us. It was often funny, and always quite
confronting, to ask ourselves and each other: Are you listening
right now, or just nodding your head a lot while you wait for your
turn to speak? Are you actually listening, or sitting in judgment?
Are you really listening, or just taking mental notes and storing
facts? Are you listening, or just thinking about how you can
change me? |
| How often we tell ourselves we are
listening intently when in fact our minds are wandering elsewhere.
It is unlikely that consistently good listeners exist. For most of
us, good listening is a skill that comes and goes with our
fluctuating moods. All counselors, psychologists and anyone in the
helping professions are imperfect (and sometimes lousy) listeners,
and we should be honing our listening capacity for the rest of our
lives. It is humbling to note that anyone can be a profoundly good
listener without any training whatsoever, since all it takes is an
open heart and an interest in the other person.
Blocking empathy |
| It's a fact of human relationships that our capacity for
listening is elusive; we lose it, we regain it, we lose it again.
Sometimes it is hard to see whether we are listening so that our
children really feel heard. We kid ourselves. We think we are
listening when really we are avoiding contact - and then we are
bewildered by and surprised at our child's frustration. It can be
very useful to get a clear picture of what is listening and what
is not. When our own fears, our shame, our jealousies or our
emotional exhaustion get in the way, we tend to play some pretty
clever games to deflect our children's communications so that
their feelings won't touch us. One of the biggest reasons we avoid
listening is because our children's disappointments make us feel
guilty. Our evasive tactics are called "empathy
blockers". Empathy blockers save us the trouble of listening,
but they cost us our connection with each other. |
|
| Sometimes we use empathy blockers
inadvertently because we are anxiously trying to save our children
from emotional pain. Ironically, the greatest salve for our
children comes from being heard, not from us trying to change how
they feel. For all of these reasons, we all use empathy blockers
from time to time, quite automatically and unconsciously. You
could say we are all quite skilled at blocking. Here are some of
the most common examples used when children become emotional: |
|
EMPATHY BLOCKER |
EXAMPLES |
|
Downplaying |
Oh, don't cry. I'm sure it's not that bad! It's not the
end of the world. |
|
Denial |
There is nothing wrong; nothing for you to be upset
about. Everything is OK. |
|
Reasoning |
Don't cry. Can't you see that the other child didn't
mean to hurt you? |
|
The positive spin |
Look on the bright side. Can't you see, this probably
happened for a good reason? |
|
Cheering up |
Don't worry. Here, let me tell you something funny I
heard the other day. Here, have an ice cream. That'll
cheer you up. |
|
Advising/giving options |
Why don't you try doing this, or that? I think you
should just ignore that so-and-so. |
|
The expectation |
You should have known better. Get over it. Don't let it
get to you. |
|
Put down |
Don't be silly. Don't be ridiculous. |
|
Diagnosing/labeling |
You are being over-sensitive. |
|
Distracting/diverting |
Hey, have a look at the pretty puppet. |
|
Stealing the thunder |
Now you know how I felt when the same thing happened to
me. |
As you can see, on the surface most empathy blockers are not
malicious, they are not ostensibly attempts to shame the child,
and sometimes they can even be well intentioned, but they do not
help the child to feel heard and connected to you. It might seem
surprising, even bewildering, to hear that when you try to cheer
up a child who is upset, this can often backfire - she might even
feel more distressed, even angry. This is because she feels that
her feelings are not accepted when what she actually needs is
support for feeling the way she does. If this is hard to
understand, then think of the last time you felt deeply upset,
offended or anxious and someone told you to lighten up. How did
that make you feel? Empathy blockers leave anyone on the receiving
end feeling shut out and frustrated, and as if there must be
something wrong with them for feeling the way they do. |
| Take a few moments to check this out for yourself.
Have you ever heard yourself use one, a few or perhaps even all of
the above empathy blockers with your child? How did your child
respond? Can you imagine what you could have done instead? Now, in
case you're tempted to become self-critical, remember: we all put
up barriers to listening from time to time. Those of us who teach
others about empathy blockers know them too well because we've
used them so much ourselves. |
| By the way, not all of the responses in
the table above are always inappropriate. There sometimes is a
place for advice or a helpful opinion, but unless we take the time
to hear our children's feelings first, advice comes too soon and
it alienates our child from us. Before jumping in with advice, we
need to ask our children if they want it. The most important thing
for us to get is that primarily, our children just want to be
heard. First and foremost they want evidence that they are not
alone, that someone sees how they feel and cares about them. This
makes more of a difference than all the advice in the world. |
| Empathy blockers really muddy the connection
between parents and children; they create detachment and distance,
and they frustrate children's attempts to reach out. The more we
use empathy blockers, the less our children are inclined to come
to us with their feelings, the less they want to tell us about
their lives and the less they want to listen to us. When we are
concerned that our children don't listen to us, perhaps we need to
take an honest look at how well we have listened to them. |
It is sad when blocked empathy
diminishes our sense of closeness with each other, and
particularly worrisome when our children feel lost or in some kind
of trouble but don't turn to us for help. Our children's trust in
us is a function of how safe they feel to open up to us without
feeling manipulated, expected of, judged, put down or criticized.
Listening is at the heart of connection, and if we can't listen
well, we cease to be an influence in our children's lives.
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