Subject: handling a
Help!! I am a parent of a one-year-old, very active little boy. At 11
months, he began hitting, biting, and scratching in anger (for example
if we take the phone away from him he will slap or bite). This has never
been modeled for him, and we don't know where it is coming from or how
to handle it. We practice the attachment style of parenting... including
co-sleeping. It feels right to us, and we want to handle these
discipline issues in a manner consistent with this beautiful
philosophy... but hurting others is unacceptable... how do we handle
this? Thanks so much for your time, and this great resource for parents!
It can really be puzzling and frustrating when a baby or toddler behaves
in ways that we have not modeled ourselves. However, the question of
where specific behavior comes from can be confusing or even misleading.
If a baby/toddler protests loudly and aggressively when frustrated, part
of the answer may be that he/she is well-bonded enough to feel OK about
communicating feelings fully and honestly; that is, his attempts to
communicate, even though they cannot yet be mature behaviors, may even
be seen as a sort of tribute to your parenting.
A baby or toddler has simply not had sufficient time to grow and
learn more mature ways of being, yet our society expects them all to act
as though they were 35! As I heard a parent say recently to well-meaning
relatives questioning the way his 2-year-old was acting, if a 2-year-old
can't act like a 2-year-old, who can?
That said, there may in addition be some aggressiveness related to
other factors, such as family stress (which can even be from happy but
excited occasions), fatigue (from interrupted sleep, too many outside
errands in one day, caffeine in breastmilk, too many visitors, and so
on), frustration (such as when parents have been over-extended and less
available than usual) and health-related causes such as hidden food
allergy. It certainly wouldn't hurt to try a simple elimination diet,
one food at a time (wheat, dairy, and corn are common allergens).
While it may be interesting intellectually to try to figure out
exactly where a child picks up specific behaviors (parents? neighbors?
visiting children? TV shows?), this is less important than (a)
remembering that he is in fact "acting his age" and that it is
unfair and unhelpful to expect more (b) understanding that he is doing
the very best he can given all of the circumstances and (c) learning how
to prevent over-excitement and frustration.
As for your specific example, a toddler is programmed to explore the
world around him - he is in reality a small scientist! His displeasure
when a "research study" is interrupted is, in this sense,
perfectly justified, even though he hasn't yet learned how to handle
this frustration in a mature way. So if you remove something he is
studying, be ready with something else to take its place. The fact that
he wants to learn all he can about the objects he sees around him is
something to celebrate, not despair over.
Here are some articles that should be helpful:
As you are already aware, spanking, time-out,
"consequences" and all other forms of punishment don't really
work (although they may appear to work short-term) because they break
the bond of trust between parent and child. The only thing that really
works for children from infancy through adulthood is establishing a
close and loving bond together. Here is one of our "Quotes of the
"Kids who have their needs met early by loving parents... are
subjected totally and thoroughly to the most severe form of
'discipline' conceivable: they don't do what you don't want them to do
because they love you so much!
"If you haven't cluttered the airwaves between you and your
child with a thousand stupid 'don'ts' over your Royal Doulton china,
or not eating their dessert before the main course, or not finishing
their spinach, or not doing this or that, then those few situations
where it really matters because of safety and impropriety don't need
anything approaching the connotation of 'discipline' to ensure
Dr. Elliott Barker,
Director, Canadian Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Children
I'm happy to see that you are looking for alternative approaches!
All the best,