|Our days, our deeds, all we achieve or are,
Lie folded in our infancy.
~ John T. Trowbridge
Most of us have read or heard sometime, somewhere, what an
"authority" advises on children sleeping with their parents
or with other siblings. Although the opinions on this subject are
quite controversial, the practice is usually discouraged.
One may pick up many a book on childrearing and read that bad
sleeping habits in a child are formed when mother hears her baby
whimper and "rushes" in to see if everything is all right.
The child will wake up more frequently, these books tell us, just to
get his mother near him.
A mother is ridiculed for wanting to pick up her crying baby. Yet,
this response to a call, the concern for her offspring, is an
action that comes from the very depth of her motherhood.
The child is scolded for reaching out to his parent during a time
of need. He is to be told "lovingly" but firmly that
nighttime is not a time for his parents' love and attention.
These are the books that strongly advise parents against taking
their children to bed with them, whether in time of stress or as a
matter of course. The parent is neither allowed nor encouraged to
place trust and value in his own parental emotions, but instead
becomes the innocent victim of old prejudices that linger on. If he
does not follow the advice, then he must rely on his own wandering
common sense, or be harassed by wondering what to do. Our society
proclaims co-family sleeping as taboo. It also gives us no
satisfactory answers to bed and nighttime problems with children.
The parental instinct concerning an offspring is not to be
underestimated, although for many years this seemed to be the case.
But times are changing. In a newspaper article of January 1974, Dr.
Spock is quoted as saying he admits parents of this country have been
persuaded that only trained persons know how children should be
reared. This, he continues, has resulted in a lack of self-assurance
on the part of the parents. He goes so far as to call it a "cruel
deprivation" that has been imposed on mothers and fathers.
In 1974, another article appeared in a publication entitled
"Why Some Babies Don't Sleep." 1
The authors of this article found that the most common problem causing
parents' concern was the child's waking at night. In their comments on
the result of their research they wrote that some of the advice which
frequently comes from health visitors, welfare clinics and general
practitioners is not always very helpful and may actually have little
real experience behind it. The minimum research, they report, which is
done on this problem compared with matters concerning hospital care of
sick babies, is, as a matter of fact, striking. "What has emerged
from the research," they continue, "has not filtered through
very effectively to those who need it."
What do parents have to say on this subject? A young mother wrote,
"I deeply feel that our baby should be with us during the night.
However, she has a bedroom of her own. Why? I do not know. I wish it
could be different. We frequently have such difficulty in getting her
to sleep without crying. I wish I knew what to do."
I was this mother, writing about our first child when she was nine
months old. As a new parent it never occurred to me then to take her
into bed with my husband and me.
By the time our second child was born, we had talked about this
subject with various people. To our great surprise, we found many who
"confessed" to taking their children into bed with them.
They did so usually because of a child's sleeping problem or because
it seemed to result in a happier family.
Many of these parents tended to express a belief in other more
natural approaches to childrearing, such as natural childbirth,
breastfeeding, and natural family planning. They felt that family
co-sleeping, either children with their parents or siblings with
siblings, fit logically in the philosophy of this natural approach.
This book brings to light the experiences and opinions of those
parents who have their children sleep with them. it also presents
additional supportive medical, historical and cultural data. Co-family
sleeping is advocated here as a way to solve bed and nighttime
problems with children, create a closer bond within the family, and
give children a greater sense of security. It supports a concept in
childrearing that has been practiced throughout the ages, throughout