Want to know a dirty, little secret about punishment? It doesn't work.
Punishment may be able to control a child's behavior temporarily while they're small or when they
are in their parents' presence, but it cannot control the person. As with all humans, outward behavior
is merely a reflection of our inner selves: our needs, our hurts, our emotional states.
While the temporary "payoff" of punishment may be compliance, the need behind the behavior is
never addressed. Those needs merely get driven underground, and often emerge later in more potentially
damaging behaviors such as lying, sneaking, anger, outright rebellion, depression, aggression, addictions,
In the same way that treating a brain tumor by merely taking a pain reliever doesn't address the underlying
issue, masking the symptoms of an underlying need with punishment-induced compliance doesn't solve the
problem; it intensifies it.
Want to know another dirty, little secret about punishment? It requires constant escalation.
In order to maintain the temporary effect of controlling behavior, the punishment, or threats of
punishment, must constantly be ramped up. Parents who start out with popping a tiny hand escalate to smacking
a chubby little leg, then paddling a small bottom. Over time, as their children's needs, which have been
driven underground, emerge in ever-increasing behavioral issues, parents often find that they are resorting to
yelling, threats, and physical punishment more and more often.
|Even parents who use punishment-based parenting approaches other than physical punishment
find that they must escalate and escalate to keep their children under "control". Behavior charts,
time-outs, grounding, and removing privileges are some examples of non-physical punishment-based parenting.
While these behavior modification techniques may be less painful to children physically, they still don't
address the underlying needs being communicated by the behavior and often are nearly as destructive to the
Using isolation such as time-outs or sending children to their room separates them from their source of
guidance and comfort just when they need it the most. This not only misses a golden opportunity to help the
child learn coping mechanisms for dealing with their emotions, but also fractures the very connection that
should provide the safety for expressing those emotions. Using behavior charts, removal of privileges,
grounding, etc. separates children from their parents by creating an us-against-them mentality that inevitably
leads to conflict instead of creating a teamwork mentality that leads to cooperation.
Here's the thing: effective parenting, and effective discipline, specifically, don't require
punishment. Equating discipline with punishment is an unfortunate but common misconception. The root word in discipline
is actually disciple, which means one who is guided, lead, taught, and encouraged.
Many of today's most popular self-proclaimed parenting "experts" equate physical punishment with
discipline and go to great lengths to describe the best methods and tools for hitting children as well as
instructing parents to maintain a calm, controlled, and even cheerful demeanor as they "lovingly"
hit their children.
It is interesting to note here that, when it comes to the law, crimes of passion are treated as less
heinous than premeditated, planned, and purposefully executed crimes which are termed "in cold
blood". And yet when physically punishing a child, a crime in many places across the globe, hitting in
anger or frustration (i.e. passion) is deemed wrong by proponents of spanking, while hitting children with
calm and deliberate intent (i.e. premeditation) is encouraged.
||It is also interesting to note that, in the not-too-distant past, husbands hitting their
wives was also viewed as not only a societal norm, but also a necessary part of maintaining a harmonious,
successful marriage. The core belief behind "reasonable smacking" of wives was that there was no
other effective way to control them. I agree. If controlling another human being is the goal, then force is
necessary. Fear, intimidation, threats, power-plays, physical pain, those are the means of control.
But, if growing healthy humans is the goal, then building trust relationships, encouraging, guiding,
leading, teaching, and communicating are the tools for success.
Many parents simply don't know what else to do. They were raised with spanking and other punishment-based
parenting methods as a means of control and "turned out okay" so they default to their own parents'
choices without researching alternatives to spanking or considering whether "okay" could be improved
Is it just possible that children who are hit learn to hit? That children who are hurt learn to hurt?
Perhaps the lesson they are learning is that "might makes right" and violence is the answer to their
problems, the outlet for their stress, the route to getting others to do what they want.
People throughout history have complained about "the trouble with kids today" and they've pinned
all the ills of their society on supposedly permissive parenting. They've ranted about out-of-control
children, disrespectful youth, entitlement, spoiling, disobedience, violence, self-centeredness, etc:
"The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, they show
disrespect to their elders ... They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their
parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and are tyrants over
their teachers." - Socrates, 5th Century BC
"What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders, they disobey their parents.
They ignore the law. They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions. Their morals are decaying. What is
to become of them?" - Plato, 5th Century BC
"I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on frivolous youth of today,
for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words ... When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and
respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise [disrespectful] and impatient of
restraint" - Hesiod, 8th Century BC
"The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of today think of nothing but
themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as
if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for the girls, they
are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress." - Peter the Hermit, 13th
Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Maybe, though, there isn't really any "trouble with kids today."
Maybe the problem is with parents who repeat the patterns their own parents set or with societies who view
normal stages of development as somehow abnormal.
|Maybe "kids today" are just kids like they have been through the ages, full of
exuberance and curiosity and learning their way in a great big world. Maybe a listening ear, gentle guidance,
and trusted arms to turn to are really all children need to grow up into kind, helpful, responsible,
productive members of our society.
The bottom line is that addressing our children's underlying needs, the actual causes of their behavior,
instead of just the behavior itself, is a far more effective parental approach, and is significantly better
for a healthy, mutually respectful parent/child relationship. Sending our children out into the world as
adults with their needs met, with coping mechanisms for those times when stresses overwhelm them, and with the
knowledge of a safe haven, where comfort is always available, is a powerful way to change the world for the
Maybe, just maybe, sowing peace in our homes is the answer for our children, our families, and our world,