| "Treat all others as you
would like to be treated yourself."
The Golden Rule has proved its excellence
as a moral guide since ancient times. Greek and Jewish thinkers,
Confucius, Jesus, and other teachers of ethics all taught this
rule, which is called "golden" to indicate it's
revered place as the ultimate rule of life. What better teaching
can we utilize in our day-to-day approach to parenting? A
variation of the Golden Rule for parents would be "Treat
your child as you would like to be treated if you were in the
same position."
It might be illuminating to apply this
"Parenting Golden Rule" to several common methods of
discipline, by considering the case of a husband and wife in the
"same position" as that of children being disciplined
in various ways.
1. Physical Punishment
The wife accidentally spills coffee on
her husband's new jacket. He hits her.
Will the wife be more careful with his
belongings in the future? Or might she have him arrested for
spousal abuse?
2. Time-out
The husband starts to argue with a
visiting friend. The wife tells him "It's not nice to
argue with your friend! I won't have this! Go sit in the
bedroom for half an hour!"
Will the husband become less
argumentative? Will the embarrassment of the situation set him
straight? Will he feel like apologizing to his friend?
3. Consequences
The wife is out driving, forgets to fill
the tank, and runs out of gas. She phones her husband to ask
him to take his car to buy some gas and bring it to her. He
refuses, explaining that she has to learn from "natural
consequences" to be more responsible.
The next time the tank is low, will the
wife remember to get it filled? Or will she be too preoccupied
with fantasies of divorce to think about less important
matters like car maintenance?
4. Counting
The wife reminds her husband, who is
reading the newspaper after dinner, that it's his turn to do
the dishes. He murmurs, "Mm hmm," and keeps on
reading. The wife says, firmly "You have to do the dishes
now! 10-9-8-7..."
Will the husband then feel like
cooperating with his wife? Or will he conclude that he's
married a lunatic? And would he feel the least bit loved?
All of these disciplinary methods look
ridiculous when viewed in this way. But the reason for this is
that our society at some point decided that children and adults
respond to others according to different principles of behavior.
This has been a very harmful mistake. The truth is that
children, like adults, feel most like cooperating with those who
treat them with kindness, respect, understanding, and dignity.
The only "method" that makes sense in a humane
relationship - whether with a child or an adult - is
unconditional love.
In our society, we have been asking the
wrong question. We have asked, "Which set of rules work
with children, and which set works with adults?" The
reality is, happily, far simpler: all humans behave as well as
they are treated. Age makes no difference.
Parents wanting to help their children
grow to be loving and responsible adults can do no better than
to remember the Parenting Golden Rule: "Treat your child as
you would like to be treated if you were in the same
position." It's simple, straightforward, and effective. And
we don't need to spend any time finding out what age someone is
before consulting this rule. One size fits all.
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