Attachment Parenting and Nonviolent Communication
by Inbal Kashtan
|How do we deal with a two-year-old when he grabs
every toy his friend plays with? What do we say to a four-year-old who screams in rage
when her baby brother cries? How do we talk with a ten-year-old about the chores he
has left undone, again? What strategies will keep our teenager open with us - and
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), sometimes referred to as
Compassionate Communication, offers a powerful approach for extending the values of
attachment parenting beyond infancy. A process for connecting deeply with ourselves
and others, and for creating social change, NVC has been used worldwide in intimate
family settings as well as in organizations, schools, prisons, and war-torn countries.
|NVC shares two key premises with attachment parenting: Human
actions are motivated by attempts to meet needs, and trusting relationships are built
through attentiveness to those needs. Both premises contrast with prevailing child
rearing practices and with the assumptions about human beings that underlie these
practices. Instead of focusing on authority and discipline, attachment parenting and
NVC provide theoretical and practical grounds for nurturing compassionate, powerful,
and creative children who will have resources to contribute to a peaceful society.
two key premises with attachment parenting.
|Human Needs And Human Actions
Unlike conventional views of babies as manipulative and in
danger of being spoiled, attachment parenting suggests that our babies' cries are
always attempts to get their needs met. NVC, too, shifts attention away from judgments
about our own and others' actions (as manipulative, wrong, bad, inappropriate - or
even good), focusing instead on our own and others' feelings and needs.
Consider the following common situation. A child, Anna, leaves
her clothes and toys strewn about the house. Dad may reprimand, remind, offer
incentives, or punish. These tactics may or may not lead to the immediate outcome he
intends. They will, however, likely result in unwanted long-term outcomes, such as
hindering Anna's intrinsic desire to keep her home orderly and impairing the sense of
connection and trust in the family.
Anna's mom may choose to say nothing out of confusion about what
might work. Not getting her needs met, and lacking trust that her needs even matter to
Anna, Mom might feel resentful and frustrated. The relationship is again impaired, and
Anna loses the opportunity to practice finding solutions that will work for everybody
- a powerful skill she needs in order to live in harmony with others.
NVC offers parents two key options that foster connection:
empathy for others' feelings and needs and expression of one's own. In this situation,
Dad can guess - and thus connect with - Anna's deeper feelings and needs. He can ask,
"Are you excited because you want to play?" Or, "Are you annoyed
because you want to choose what to do with your space?" Often, simply shifting to
an empathic guess of the child's feelings and needs eases the parent's reaction. Dad
no longer sees Anna as an obstacle to getting his needs met; rather, he is ready to
connect with this other human being. For Anna, having the experience of being
understood may nurture her willingness to listen to Dad's feelings and needs and to
contribute to their fulfillment.
Mom may choose to express her own emotions. She may start with
an observation: "I see clothes, books, markers, and toys on the living room
floor." The observation, instead of an interpretation or judgment ("The
house is a mess"), can make a tremendous difference in Anna's readiness to hear
Mom's perspective. Then, when Mom follows with her feelings and needs instead of going
immediately to a solution, she humanizes herself to Anna: "I feel frustrated
because I enjoy order in the house." Mom clearly expresses that her feelings are
caused by her own unmet needs, not by Anna's actions, thereby taking full
responsibility for her feelings and for meeting her needs. She continues with a doable
request: "Would you be willing to pick up your things and put them in their
places?" Or if she wants to explore the broader pattern: "Would you be
willing to talk with me about how we can meet your needs for play and choice and my
need for order?"
|Human beings do not respond with joy
to force or demands.
||Even if Anna were not willing to talk
at that moment, her parents could continue to use empathy and expression until
mutually satisfying strategies were found - in that moment or over time. In fact, one
of the most profoundly connecting moments in relationships can occur when one person
says, "No" and the other empathizes with what that person is implicitly
saying "Yes" to: "When you say you don't want to talk about this, is it
because you want more confidence that I care about your needs?"
|Every interaction we have with our children contains
messages about who they are, who we are, and what life is like. The parent who takes a
toy away from a toddler who just took it from another child while saying: "No
grabbing," teaches her child that grabbing is okay - for those with more power.
The parent who unilaterally imposes a curfew implies that his teenager can't be
trusted to make thoughtful decisions about his life. Instead, in both words and
actions, a parent could convey three key things: I want to understand the needs that
led to your actions, I want to express to you the feelings and needs that led to mine,
and I want to find strategies that will meet both of our needs.
By hearing the feelings and needs beneath our children's words
and behaviors, we offer them precious gifts. We help them understand, express, and
find ways to meet their needs; we model for them the capacity to empathize with
others; we give them a vision of a world where everyone's needs matter; and we help
them see that many of the desires that human beings cling to - having the room clean
"right now", watching television, making money - are really strategies for
meeting deeper needs.
Allowing ourselves to be affected by our children's feelings and
needs, we offer ourselves the blessing of finding strategies to meet our needs that
are not at a cost to our children. Conversely, by sharing our inner world of feelings
and needs with our children, we give them opportunities all too rare in our society:
to know their parents well, to discover the effects of their actions without being
blamed for them, and to experience the power of contributing to meeting others' needs.
Power With Versus Power Over
When we want our children to do something they don't want to do,
it is almost impossible to resist the temptation to use the enormous physical and
emotional power we have over them. Yet attempting to coerce a child to do something
she doesn't want to do neither works effectively in the short term nor supports our
long-term needs. (The only exception comes when there is a threat to health or safety,
in which case NVC suggests that we use non-punitive, protective force.)
Marshall Rosenberg, founder and Education Director of the Center
for Nonviolent Communication, asks parents two questions to point out the severe
limitations of using power-over tactics such as reward and punishment: "What do
you want the child to do?" and "What do you want the child's reasons to be
for doing so?"1 Do we really want our child to
do something out of fear? Guilt? Shame? Obligation? Desire for reward? Most of us have
experienced the deadening effect - and the ensuing anger and resentment - of doing
things out of these motivations. Human beings do not respond with joy to force or
demands. It follows that if people get their needs met at a cost to others there is an
attendant cost to themselves. Our needs are met most fully and consistently when we
find strategies that also meet others' needs.
While helping us meet our needs without coercion, NVC also helps
us resist giving in to our children's every wish by teaching us to express our
feelings, needs, and requests clearly, and to expect our needs to be considered. When
we consistently express our commitment to attending to everyone's needs - not just
theirs, not just our own - we model a way of life to our children and create power
with them: the power of choosing to contribute to making life more wonderful for
Neither coercive nor permissive, NVC focuses on human needs and
helps us realize that we, our children, and all human beings share these needs. I draw
profound hope from the knowledge that by living this way, I can foster harmony in my
family - and contribute to peace in our troubled world.
|Growing Up With NVC
People often ask me how old children have to be before parents
can start using NVC or when it is too late. I reply that we can always use NVC. With
babies, NVC may look essentially like attachment parenting, with verbal expression of
our own and our babies' feelings and needs. The younger the baby, the more primary her
needs; as she grows, so does the possibility of including everyone's needs. Starting
NVC with older children raises the challenge of altering existing patterns, but NVC's
simplicity and transformative power make the process more accessible. As everyone's
skills grow, so does the joy of deeper connection and the relief of parenting in ways
more aligned with one's core values and hopes for the world.
violence is a tragic expression of unmet needs.
|NVC doesn't make the challenges of parenting go away.
Our child, like most three-year-olds, demands, refuses, hits, and ignores. And like
most parents, we sometimes raise our voice, get frustrated, feel helpless, and forget
how we want to parent. However, in these challenging moments NVC gives everyone in our
family skills that restore communication and connection. In the midst of the daily
wrestling with how to meet everyone's needs and how to share our power, our son often
expresses his feelings, makes requests, and comes up with creative strategies to meet
all our needs. Having grown up with NVC, he seems to have internalized a new paradigm
One evening several months ago I was very frustrated and
expressed myself quite strongly. My son responded, "I am not enjoying the way
that you're telling me your feelings about what's happened," and demonstrated for
me the tone of voice I had used. He continued, "I'd like you to say it this
way," and demonstrated the tone he would enjoy. Without judgment, my son stated
his observations, feelings, and request, with the implied need for respect. I
immediately and gladly altered my tone, and two sentences later we snuggled, deeply
My son also assumes that parents and children share power.
Recently we played that I was his child, scared to go to the doctor. Instead of
saying, "You must go," he asked, "Are you willing to go?"
"No, I am scared that it will hurt," I answered. Then he said, "The
doctor won't hurt you. Now are you willing to go?" Playing a parent, he
understood that we were two autonomous human beings, making our own decisions, using
the power of words to move toward mutually satisfying outcomes.
In addition, my son is beginning to understand the difference
between needs and the strategies we use to meet them. To my: "I'd like to talk
with you; would you put down your book while I'm talking?" he replied, "I
don't want to." I could have empathized with that "No," seeking to
understand the needs he was trying to meet, but I chose to express myself more fully:
"I don't feel comfortable talking with you while you're looking at the book, so
would you be willing to put it down?" He answered, "Okay, I'll put it down
in a minute. But first I want to understand why you don't feel comfortable talking
while I'm looking at the book." Realizing that I had not made my need clear, I
said, "Because when I talk I like to know that I am being listened to." My
son then understood my need and saw that we were not in any conflict. He said, "I
am listening to you, so you can go ahead and talk." Once we recognized my need,
we could both see that my strategy was not the only way to meet that need.
NVC teaches that all violence is a tragic expression of unmet
needs. With the ongoing cycles of violence that devastate our world, it takes great
vision and faith to believe that we can find ways to see each other as fully human and
to create a world that meets all our needs. Bringing up our children to speak and live
the language of compassion, we embrace that vision and participate in creating that
|1 See "The Protective Use of
A slightly different version of this article was first
published in the January/February 2002 issue of Mothering magazine. It is reprinted here with permission
from the author and the editors. Portions of this article appear in Parenting from the Heart: Sharing the Gifts of Compassion,
Connection, and Choice.
Inbal's new CD, "Connected Parenting: Nonviolent Communication in
Family Life" is available from Bay Area Nonviolent Communication .