"Perfect love cast out fear."
- 1 John 4:18
Raising a child with unconditional love means that no fear is
created in parent-child interactions. To love unconditionally
simply means that parents accept their children completely and
without restrictions or stipulations. There is no spoken (or
unspoken) message causing the child to think he has to be
something other than what he is in order to be loved. The need for
unconditional love begins at conception.
The child needs to experience total acceptance from both
parents, but primarily from the mother. This means that all
physical features are accepted "as is". Unfortunately,
this is not always what happens. There can be something about
their child that does not meet parents' expectations, such as a
funny-looking nose or ears, or unattractive teeth. In these cases,
the parents' uneasiness may trigger "innocent" remarks
about a child's features, causing the child to realize that his or
her acceptance is conditional. Since the child can do
little about his body, he experiences the fear of rejection. The
basis of this conditional acceptance is perhaps due to the fact
that the parents were not accepted unconditionally in their own
childhood, which causes their fear to surface in interactions with
their children.
Not only should the physical nature of the child be totally
accepted, but what the child says, thinks, dreams or feels must be
heard, honored and respected. The old philosophy that a child
should be "seen but not heard" gave some parents the
illusion that children would then develop respect for their
parents. But this approach does not help a child to integrate his
fear. Only an approach that provides unconditional love will
garner respect for the parents! Therefore, if the parents want the
child's respect, the child must be the recipient of respect1. It
is the same principle with adults - if we want a friend, we have
to be a friend. And if we want respect, we must respect
others. This process begins with a deep appreciation of the inner
workings of a child's mind. When the child's thoughts and feelings
are heard and acknowledged by adults, he will feel respected and
accepted, and experience peace of mind. Having received this type
of treatment, it is easy for the child to learn to respect others.
Forbidden self-expression, due to fear of rejection or
ridicule, causes the child to feel unaccepted. This creates fear,
and under these circumstances, the fear will not be integrated.
This child will then harbor resentment instead of respect. With
the child's fully developed limbic system combined with a
prefrontal cortex that lags behind in development, actions that
cause the child to feel rejection are not likely to be processed
by the child's mind as they are by the adult mind. When a person
(child or adult) feels fear, he must emerge from the situation
feeling safe and knowing that he can protect himself should he
encounter a similar situation. This is not likely to happen if
the parents themselves are the source of the fear.
Greatly enabling the parent to love the child unconditionally
is the realization that the development of their child's limbic
system is years ahead of his prefrontal cortex. This simply means
that he is not an adult! Armed with this knowledge, it is easier
to appreciate why children may at times appear irresponsible,
selfish, impulsive, immature and inconsiderate. The fact that
puppies act like puppies and not like grown dogs is readily
accepted. Yet parents have trouble accepting normalcy in their own
child! This is more than likely due to the fact that the parent's
own normal, childish behavior was not accepted unconditionally in
their childhood.
