Subject: 7-month-old baby
screams to be held
My son is 7 months old. He screams (not cries - no tears) every
time he is not getting my full attention or being held. This has gone
on for at least three weeks. He had colic pretty bad from about 3
weeks until 12 weeks. I suspect he's teething - he got the first two
teeth at 3 1/2 mos.
My friends suggest he's spoiled because he is always with me -
including at my part- time job - and may need to learn alone time. How
do I know if he's in pain or just over-indulged? And, if he is
over-indulged, are there any suggestions or books to help me? I'm
about to have to quit my job and just hold him all day because the
sound of his screaming drives me nuts and that seems the only
solution. I appreciate any help you can offer me.
- Name withheld
I can empathize with you. I know from experience how disturbing a
baby's cries and screams can be for the whole family. But in fact they
are meant to disturb us and to let us know that something important is
needed!
A seven-month-old baby needs and deserves to have our attention and
holding. All babies were held all day and night for thousands of
generations. It is only in the last hundred years that we have decided
they don't need this compassionate care any more. I strongly urge you
to (a) try an herbal remedy for teething (you can find these at a
health food store) and (b) if you don't already have one, purchase a
good sling and use it throughout the day. Wanting to be held (day and
night) is a perfectly normal and healthy desire for a seven-month-old
baby. His wanting you to hold him is a sure sign that you are doing
things right. You have created a close bond with him that will last a
lifetime.
And here is an interesting fact - nursing babies grow up to be
children who have higher IQs than non-nursing babies. We used to think
it was the nutrition in breastmilk, but it turned out to be the extra
holding! This is what Dr. George
Wootan wrote:
"... the increased opportunity for parent-child bonding
offered by breastfeeding is a widely known benefit of nursing, which
brings up an interesting sidelight. A baby can have lots of brain
cells, but they won't do any good unless they're interconnected. The
nerve fibers that connect these cells are called dendrites. And what
develops dendrites?
You probably said breast milk ... right? Wrong! Touching develops
dendrites. Holding, touching, and stroking a baby, as a mother
naturally does while nursing ("you can prop a bottle but not a
breast"), helps the child develop the way nature intended, both
physically and emotionally."
Your intelligent son is trying to let you know how important touch
and holding are to him. If a child has a healthy need like this, the
only way to help them to grow is to meet that need. Fighting it can
only delay the child's development, and endanger the parent-child bond
in the bargain. As Naomi Aldort wrote, "Every stage in a child's
life is there for a purpose. If we can respect and respond to her
needs fully during each stage of her life, she can be done with that
stage and move on." And move on he will! My son just turned 19.
Holding him in his infancy is one of my fondest memories.
This stage may seem like it will last forever, and sometimes he
will need you when you want to be doing other things. But you'll be
amazed at how quickly these early years go by! Enjoy them while you
can. You are lucky to have a child who loves you - and he is lucky to
have such a loving mother.
Unfortunately in our society, you will often hear advice that you
should ignore crying. But ignoring a baby's cry is like using earplugs
to stop the distressing noise of a smoke detector. The sound of a
smoke detector is meant to alert us to a serious matter that requires
a response - and so is the cry of a baby! As Jean Liedloff wrote in The
Continuum Concept, "a baby's cry is precisely as serious as
it sounds."
It is our job as parents to identify our children's needs and meet
them in the very best way possible. If you meet his needs for physical
closeness now, you can be sure that he will meet your needs to be
emotionally close to him in later years.
Please read:
and this poem: "To My
Grown-up Son"
I also highly recommend The
Baby Book by Dr. William Sears.
- Jan